Social Blues
Last night I found myself surrounded by some good friends, a handful of strangers, and of course, the crushing fear of being "cringe." I never leave home without it. We celebrated the birthday of a longtime friend named Adrian. I've known him for many, many years; he's a nice guy with immense talent. We grew up together, even took the same art classes in middle and high school. I constantly tell him that even though he's younger than me, he remains a tremendous inspiration to me.
Art class gave me a safe space, and for many other shy, weird teens like me. During my senior year, I think I spent about five hours every school day, basically lounging around in my art teacher's classroom. Looking back now, I regret how much art I wasn't making during that time. I mostly just ate, played games, and worse, vaped in the supply closet. All that time was just a pure waste for me, for my teacher, and for my fellow students. Often, I think about how much different my life could be if I chose to do the daily thumbnails, took time on my assignments, and listened when my teacher was teaching techniques.
I don't mean to paint a picture that I was a poor student, I did my work (eventually) and I showed up every day (sometimes) and, I even helped out organizing the supply closet (stealing Sharpies and origami paper.) I'm still not sure how all those colored pencils fell into my backpack like that, neatly seated in their original packaging. My teacher looked the other way too. She was the most generous instructor I've ever had, she taught me most of what I know now and encouraged me to not give up. I loved her, and she loved me too. I wish I could've been a more promising student for her.
Her class was the one that I spent the most time with Adrian in, during this time we shared lots of ideas and brainstormed like physical rain clouds were bouncing off our heads. (Like Mario Kart.) It was around this time when I dreamt of being a tattoo artist, it's all I ever talked about career-wise, which is most likely the reason I forgot to try so hard in my academics closer to graduation. Now, Adrian is an actual tattoo artist (don't forget, he's two years younger than me), he draws every day and his expertise surpassed me years ago. I fuss about not being able to achieve the goals that I want to accomplish, but now I admit that the only thing holding me back is myself. It's always been just me. Even now, I can't stop comparing myself to others, it's extremely painful. So how can I grow from this?
Recognize that everyone is different, and we advance at different paces. I've never set unambiguous goals for myself, so at this moment I'm still running the race. It's difficult to see others cross the finish line or move on to the next stage, but I admit that my constant need to come up with excuses is the biggest hurdle.
I saw a silly yellow shirt with a slogan on it that just said "Keep on keepin' on." It was on a TV show years ago, yet the slogan continues to ring in my head today. Keep on. Keepin' on. I needed that. It also seems like the kind of shirt that Adrian would find in a thrift bin somewhere.
The party was a lot of fun, I drank a bit but thankfully didn't get sick, which is always a win in my book. I brought my camera and let others go wild with it. There was a bonfire and good conversation with some of my old middle school homies. We talked about everything from death, to cute anime characters, and medical trials. It can sometimes be awkward to keep a conversation going, or even start a conversation, but to my introverted delight, when I say something out loud, it turns out everyone else is already thinking it.
Oh yeah, I went phoneless at this party! It was tough since it was so awkward, but having digital camera is always a conversation starter.
Adrian playing MetaQuest
As soon as I got home at midnight, stumbled into my room, ripped off my smoke-scented clothes, and sat on the edge of my bed in my underwear while I drunkenly uploaded all of my photos from my memory stick. They came out so good so I couldn't wait to share them with my beautiful people. I went to sleep late, and for some reason, the first thing I did when I woke up was text my friend;
"Bro, was I cringe last night?"
"Nah you were chill."
It's difficult for me to see myself as a cool/chill person, even though I can see one when I look in the mirror. I usually feel like a cringe poser or a nerd, trying hard to be cool. The fact is, I don't even try that hard at all. Maybe I am cool, and I just haven't realized it yet. B-)
Peak photography or nightmare fuel?
Did I ramble like a crazy person? I'm crazy btw.